Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

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